A sojournista's open letter to her parents

We ran towards the ocean as the waves crashed towards the shore as the tide was coming in and then the waves crashed into our bodies and I heard myself laugh in that free and genuine way, when your soul is so spirited and I felt so alive that in that moment I had to wonder if I would someday think about this day and believe that it was a dream. As I pondered this, the sun, mostly obscured by a blanket of clouds, revealed itself in its orange and pink fiery brilliance, drawing closer to the horizon. And I once again asked myself, "Is this my life?" and the reply came, "This is your life." And it was a moment when I knew I was just where I was supposed to be...

For many months I have been struggling to find an eloquent way to explain what my time abroad has really been, why I decided to stay a third year in Quito, and why I am contemplating other international posts.

I've become quite articulate with some of my sentiments, and in describing many of my experiences, but here I still struggle. Most of my tales are of trips to Mindo, doing yoga in (mostly) peaceful places with scenic views of the mountains, and having all sorts of adventures as I climb these mountains. Through narrating these accounts, I seek to share quirky and cool episodes, and, hopefully to entertain a reader or two. With the reflections embedded in the posts, I also strive to share wisdom...but still, the real depth of life abroad is not wholly present. Because it's really not about chocolatey and beachy adventures at its heart, it's about digging down deep into myself.

I sometimes talk of my wanderlust, but what lies within is so much greater and deeper than lust, which is fickle and founded on impermanence and fleeting desire. No, this is not about lust, it is about a true love for new lands and the mysteries one may begin to uncover living within their borders.

I've spent some time in the past wishing I was someone different to some extent. I have envied Linds' self-assuredness in making swift decisions and Cass' confidence in speaking her mind, especially when it's laced with a bit of sassiness. This, in part, was why I felt drawn abroad. The strength I have uncovered within myself does not surprise me, but it was buried beneath a surface that needed a distance to reveal itself. I am a Baci-Marquart through and through, so proud and grateful to be so, but I have needed such an experience that would push my ability to be independent to discern who, really, is Jamie.

Why I couldn't have done this growing and evolving in Minnesota I may still not be answering so clearly; one can challenge herself whatever her geographic location, of course, but the draw was something bigger than me. When listening to that intuitive voice, when feeling the magnetic force of it, it is something beyond myself that guides me. This I have come to recognize as God's energy.

And intuition is a fascinating feeling. When following it, one may be able to articulate some of where the sense arises from, but so much is initially unseen, bringing clarity in hindsight, but still, perhaps, only partly so. When I signed that contract nearly three years ago, I could explain in part why I was drawing my name on that dotted line, but what this epoca de mi vida has been is so much more than I could have wondered at at the moment I accepted the position to teach at Americano.

This time abroad has brought me to be who I am meant to be; it is who I always was, but parts of me were buried under insecurity and doubt, and perhaps, for me, just not having the right space to push myself so profoundly.

During my nights of sleeplessness, I have done a good deal of soul-searching. Wanting to be most honest with myself, the revolving questions being Am I being selfish in making this decision? Is this life about indulgence? While I will not call it completely selfless, my motivations for being abroad are not altogether self-serving. I want to better myself. The more you evolve yourself, the more you are able to give to others and the world at large. This is how I have been called to evolve.

So in these past few years, but especially within the months of this third year, whatever sand that had been shifting within the foundation of my self has turned to smooth and solid marble. Never have I felt so sure-footed and confident. I am certain it was only by pushing my boundaries this far that I have come to build such a strength within myself. This woman that I am now, I am more capable of being what the world needs of me. I can't define that, I still might not even know what that is, but I have a deeper capacity to be that. 

I know whatever my struggles in reading a map and knowing east from west, and north from south, my heart makes up in being my keen compass. I don't know which direction I walk next year, but I am not lost. I trust in my wisdom to follow what my heart speaks. Whatever my choice, there are difficult tradeoffs, but whatever my choice, as Dad told me in the midst of a tumultuous time, the best times still lie ahead.

Still sometimes the conviction in my rather newfound poise and confidence does not buffer the pain of being so far from home. Missing milestone events, and just the everyday...dinners, Bocceball tournaments, evenings in front of the fireplace watching Modern Family. And this, I learn time and again, is life. Beauty mixed with heartache. Tears mixed with laughter.

As I am curled up on my couch in Quito, my resounding feeling tonight is one of gratitude. For the life you have blessed me with, for the privileges, of which I am so much more aware, you have granted me, and for your unending support and unconditional love. And here I will always fall short in saying my love for you, but I hope you feel the profoundness of that love across the continental lines.

So precious are our days, especially as we live them with such love and good health. And so priceless is the time I am home, cooking for my favorite people, spending nights with dominoes on the table, and hearing my laugh mingle with yours. I cannot wait to hug you and be hugged by you.

Les amo a la luna y lejos, Mom and Dad. <3 <3 <3

Your Jame

P.S. I think it is time for more South American adventures.

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God speaks to each of us as he makes us,

then walks with us silently out of the night.

These are the words we dimly hear:

You, sent out beyond your recall,

go to the limits of your longing.

Embody me.

Flare up like a flame

and make big shadows I can move in.

Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.

Just keep going. No feeling is final.

Don't let yourself lose me.

Nearby is the country they call life.

You will know it by its seriousness.

Give me your hand.

Rainer Maria Rilke
Book of Hours, I 59