Where this will lead, nobody knows

Sleepless once again. After laying in bed listening to the wind howl outside, I have succumbed to the misery of the insomnia and decided to try to busy myself somehow so that I might exhaust myself enough to fall into a couple of hours of sleep before my alarm is the next thing to demand my bleary-eyed attention.

The silver lining of this sleepless night is the message I received when logging into Facebook. To preface, I have spent most of this year questioning whether or not I am really making any difference here inside of my classroom. At Americano in general. I have formed some authentic relationships with some of my students, I have collaborated with friends and found some fulfillment there, but altogether I have missed the rapport and sense of purpose I had built at Jefferson. It seems the Universe can be merciful to somewhat heavy-hearted teachers because here is the message I have just opened from a student I had last year:

Ms. Baci

I just wanted to let you know that you were my favorite teacher I had in all of my 4 years at Jefferson and you were the only teacher that I would have wanted to be at my grad party. I know that your in South America which makes that impossible but I just wanted to tell you that I would have loved for you to come and that your one of the best teachers I ever had

The young man who wrote this just graduated. I appreciated him, but I had no idea the sentiment was mutual. As teachers, we are often unaware of the impact that we have. And then sometimes we are fortunate enough to receive something so beautiful.

Intuition led me abroad. I seek comfort in that when I lay awake at night, unable to sleep, pondering the possibilities of my future. I have fallen out of touch with my own instincts at times, though I've always unwound myself from my own confusion, or others' opinions, to reconnect with "that iron string" as Emerson calls it. "Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind," my favorite Transcendentalist continues in "Self-Reliance." I may spin my wheels in the darkness of night, but reflecting upon my own history, I will ultimately make another intuitive move when it comes to my next big decision. And decisions grounded in intuition are decisions within which resides great peace for me.

This year has been intensely difficult at times. But I regret nothing. From a young age I have had a sound sense of self (though as I've recounted before, that understanding has undergone doubt and reflection a number of times), and I now see myself even more deeply as a woman who will always need to push her own boundaries.

This year too has been about seeing my own evolution to be less about changing who I am and more about accepting the woman within this skin. I attempted to leave parts of myself behind when I hopped aboard the plane in August, but they craftily packed themselves in the suitcase of my self. insecurities. sensitivities. duality. contradictions. at times, I am a paradigm. darkness. lightness. I have spent enough time in my 31 years wishing I was more like someone else, whether it be like one of my sisters or one of my friends; it is high time I embrace the fact that I am often vulnerable, yep, I'm sometimes moody and I frequently snap at a student and later regret my unrefined reaction. I'm also a genuine friend, deeply reflective with a great deal of integrity. Not to mention I sometimes snort when I laugh, lean when I toot and spew various liquids through my nose (though not for some years now, the spewing liquids part, that is), and there is something to be said for such quirks...and a woman who will admit to them.

I've had conversations with friends recently about what we are most fond of in this first year. For me it is the intangible: the indispensable friendships I have formed and seeing myself through the entangling discomfort, and sometimes agony, that were my first months as an international teacher, as an expat in Ecuador. I do feel a sense of pride, a sense of accomplishment, independence and strength in having chosen to take this chance. Chance, though, is not the word most suited for a decision based on intuition. For reasons I may now be able to articulate, and others that are latent, this is just where I was supposed to be, and just where I am supposed to be now.

The decision to teach abroad has undeniably altered the course of my world. I just wonder in how many ways.

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