In a two hour and twenty minute flight between Boston and Atlanta, it's a wonder all of the places my mind can go.
Take-off is the worst. Really, those first thirty minutes are all
Well goodbye little mouse heart and hello big-elephant-who-just-saw-the-mouse heart. I feel you thundering all erratically in there, making your presence really known. Have I told you that I like you best when you make like Gus-Gus when he's lying by the fire?
Breathe in for 1, 2, 3 ... hold 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7 ... and out 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 ... and repeat ...
Now why didn't I give the other passengers my survey before boarding the plane? Question 1: Are you a doctor? Question 2: Do you know CPR? Question 3: On a scale of 1 to 5, how comfortable are you holding a stranger's hand? Question 4: Do you have the capability to act as a flotation device in the event of a water landing?
Where, oh where is the handsome Canadian who will become my good friend to distract me with new tunes and book chats?
I feel like a bobble body. Is it normal for the plane to move in such a way that my being jiggles from side to side in this fashion?
Jamie, get your shit together. Look around and find your Zen-Air Model. Right ... right, that woman across the aisle looks very ... well she at least looks to be breathing. So, if I take out my book, and turn my pages at just that rate, and shift just every 4 minutes, I will appear a bit more ... normal ...
And then there are seven, short, glorious chapters of Michael Levy's Kosher Chinese: Living, Teaching and Eating With China's Other Billion. I'm smiling and chuckling and getting even more excited for the adventure to come. For the 7, 459 mile trek to that part of the Eastern world ...
Wait, 7, 459 miles, that's like, what, twice the air time as Quito?! ... No, don't go there. Don't. Go. There. The man beside you did not take your survey, did not tell you that he was looking forward to holding a frantic woman's hand ... and anyway, that man is hoveling like a champ right now, that is he is hovering over his tray and shoveling notable quantities of nuts and cheese and crackers into his mouth.
Now take a look out the window and note the gorgeous cotton candy cumulus clouds. You love clouds. You've been obsessed all January with clouds ... Do you think clouds can clog an airplane engine? No ... no, obviously not. But I've heard about birds ... Ma'am? Umm, excuse me, Ms. Tranquility sitting across the aisle from me, I'm going to need you to open your window shade and check for birds ...
You've got to distract yourself again, Jamie. Food. It works. Jamie Oliver. He's brilliant and Delta's got his specials available on the screen in front of you. Tune in and take out your spicy pumpkin seeds and new Trader Joe's chile spiced mangoes ... Oh, that's nice. Yes, I always like a good tingle on my tongue. Well done, me, pairing the chewy mango with the crunchy nuts. Jamie, paging Jamie Oliver. I think your next assistant is Atlanta bound on flight 2301. You'll want to meet her at the gate ... and speaking of the gate, consider the Earl Grey Tea Latte with just a hint of vanilla that will be in your hands in 43 minutes and 37 seconds. I do feel it will be precisely 37 seconds.
For these last forty-some minutes, I think I'll just lay my head down on my tray and rest ... Oh, whoa, just a little dip there, huh, Pilot? Oh, heeyyy, did you really want to be a roller coaster driver? ... Ufff, if we crash land, I am going crown first into the back of the person in front of me. Sit up. Yes, I think it's best if I just sit up.
Good afternoon, Delta passengers. We have now begun our initial descent into the Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport. Please make sure your tray tables and seats are in their original upright positions. Flight attendants, prepare for landing.
Sigh. Breathe. and pray. Breathe and pray ... bobble body, bobble body, bobble body ...
and ask Gram about how to get hooked up with the good stuff in July ...
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