Growing Pains

At the end of this Tuesday, I am trying to think of something inspiring, something to give myself a little life. I remember a quote from Plato: The unexamined life is not worth living. I am feeling better for a moment here as I think yeah, examining, that is what I am doing hundreds of miles from home. Examining. My life, my whole being, will be richer for having examined the world from a new perspective. Then I come across some thoughts from Kurt Vonnegut: Plato says that the unexamined life is not worth living. But what if the examined life turns out to be a clunker as well? And, dude, this is how I am feeling. Life is kinda clunky right now. The first week that I was in Quito I was altogether feeling grounded and pulled together. As I listened to a presentation from one of the administrators about the stages of acquisition, I thought maybe I am an exception. I´m feeling so good. Then came the b*·"& slap from the Universe: Welcome to reality. It´s hard. I´ve been through tough stuff before, in a first world, white girl kind of way. I believe that some semblance of happiness, of achievement, of life feeling so amazing is in the future somewhere, it just happens to elude me right now. I know it´s not all bad to feel this way. Life isn´t about always feeling good. And at least I feel this way based on a choice that I made. At least some of my discontent comes from expectations that I have of myself and my world. Whether I am in Minneapolis or Quito, I realize that life demands consistent expectation revision.

Examples:
Expectation: That I would have internet by now.
Revision: You will get internet when NetLife shows up, and then you will be elated to have easier access to friends and family back home.

Expectation: I would know my students names by now because, heck, I only have 12-15 in a class.
Revision: You have dozens of new Spanish words floating around in your mind, along with hundreds of details that are helping you survive a new life. If it takes an extra week to learn names, so be it.

Expectation: I would have a couple of favorite spots at which to sip my tea or dig into some Ecuadorian food.
Revision: While you haven´t found favorite spots, you have started to form routines, which will make you feel more at home.

And the list goes on.

I am reminded again that I can be an impatient person. With myself. With others. It seems I did indeed pack all of the parts of myself in my suitcase, including the parts that are prone to some anxiety, tension, and moodiness. So, hey, who wants to be my new friend?! I´m looking forward to the day that I can genuinely coax out the bubbly, fun-loving, high on life sides. I believe they do still exixt. I do believe, I do believe...

This afternoon I have a walk and tea time planned with Amanda, one of the new hires from the States. Maybe we´ll find a gem of a coffee shop, or at least laugh about some of the first year follies so far.

Que tengan una buena noche a todos,

Jame